Dislcaimer: this blog entry is like serously all over the place. It's very late at night. I have no idea why I ended up staying up this late. Ok I do in fact. I just got sucked into reading more and more. ahhh. my kids are going to drive me insane with this lack of sleep. and i have my arabic class. what am i going to do??
an-e-way
My blog is seriously sucking and I'm not even talking about the part about having no visitors or many comments =). Actually, seriously though, that doesn't bother me. I get this feeling of just going to the roof top of a tall building and talking loudly and feeling like I can say anything(almost). The best part is that when you're not too worried about 'visitors/readers' you don't consciously censure yourself.
I mean this is my blog. I have a right to spell words wrong, be happy, be cranky. Whatever. =) I think I mostly find my way here when I'm cranky though.
Anyhow, life is good. no complaints. Allah has been merciful to me and I feel like I've gained just minute grains of wisdom in the past year that have made a big difference in my life.
This blog is about a topic(among others lol) which I normally keep to myself and don't discuss often unless the need comes up. I do need to flush out some thoughts and what better way than to just vomit them onto my blog. :-)
So I'm going to go back in time. When I first became practicing, I would sit and comb religious websites and soak in as much as possible, and there was a lot to soak up since I knew zilch. I didn't know the basics. I didn't know jack (but i knew sally...har har har). Moving on...
So sometimes during this reading frenzie I got hooked up with a really beneficial dars at college. And it was through that class that I feel like I was able to develop a more nuanced(that does not mean liberal) understanding of topics in Islam.
Had I just learned from books and the internet, for sure, I would have become a neo salafi. 'You have to call yourself a salafi'. "niqab is fardh and that is the only correct opinion". "What! You accept knowledge from sheikh qardawi but such and such sheikh said he's misguided and off the manhaj'. 'oh my lord. beware of that innovator. he's the scum of the earth. Nay he is more pathetic than the scum of the earth'..er wait aren't u talking about someone who's like served islam for like 20 years and wait how old are you again? oh yur 22! Hey how about trying to at least use respectful language. Sure, go ahead and 'disagree' but let's do it respectfully.
I remember reading some 'refutations' on some of these websites. I swear to God I don't think normal people even talk about their enemies like this. These guys were spewing fire. They were so incredibly bad mannered, forget their opinions. This was cult language, cult group-think mentality.
Like they say, if you argue with an ignorant person, you are bound to loose.
The thing that's well known about this group is that alot of these brothers and sisters(may Allah have mercy on them and us) who belong to this group are new muslims, don't know arabic and somehow get pulled into this very black and white understanding of things. They want to somehow take away even legitimate difference of opinion.
Just this past month I met a wonderful sister. May Allah make her better than what I think of her. We have some differences in fiqh - we sort of laughed over it =) There's a certain act of 'worship' which I believe to be an innovation. She doesn't. But it's not the kind of thing that a Muslim is supposed to avow another over and get all harsh and uptight over. At the end of the day, what we have in common is like a mountain. and if yur reading my blog, assalama'laykum =)
You can intelligently and respectfully discuss a topic but I am DEAD against calling people out in public, getting all agitated that they didn't see eye to eye with you, get all harsh with them, start labeling them.
There was a time I used to get more involved in these back and forth exchanges. But you know what I've realized. If someone has bad manners, I feel like it is better to leave that conversation PERIOD with your integrity intact and little words. Or maybe that's just my pakistani side (there's many things i love that are pakistani believe me..even though my other posts would make u think i just spit venom any time i think of pakistan lol)
One thing mash'allah benefited me as well. Before I got married, when I was in college, I did have the sickness of labelling others and wanting to know the label of others: 'salafi' 'ikhwani 'sufi' etc. When I got married, my husband had been studying with shuyookh and he wasn't into this labeling thing at all even though it was clear to me what 'label' he fell under lol.
Over time, its so obvious that the most of the time people who get all worked up, and caught up with very huffy puffy emotional exchanges over petty issues (not fundamentals) with seriously bad manners are people with little knowledge AND VERY BAD MANNERS(wait i already said that but its ok i can say it again, its my blog remember?). =)
On a completely different note something interesting, a pattern, caught my attention.
For those of us who are sensitive, the more sensitive we are, the more defensive and aggressive we can get in 'argument/discussion'. It's almost like our sensitivity makes us do that because if we didn't, our feelings would get hurt. And its ironic that sensitive people(including myself) want others to be all nice and gentle, but they aren't able to see how instigating and insensitive their own language can be. (lesson to self). I think the harsh language they use is kind of like the thorns(?) on a porcupine. It's their shield to the very vulnerable feelings inside.
I think one very good cure to that is to seek approval from Allah, that will lessen our sensitivities. A dear relative of mine, whom I have had the pleasure of building a relationship with overtime, the other day commented on how I needed to dress my daughter more 'chic' (thats my word but thats what she meant) even though I do dress her pretty good many times(according to her heh). Anyway, if I had been told this in a passing comment a year ago or two years ago, I woulda been so upset and irritated about why some of us cannot keep our OPINIONS to ourselves?
Now, this didn't bother me much. My husband also got the same dars from this individual when I was away for a bit and I even witnessed it lol. We laughed over it afterwards. lol. And mind you, this individual in general has ABSOLUTELY IMPECCABLE manners and they mean well. And we know that. We weren't laughing in terms of making fun of them, either. It was just funny. It's a whole mind set and you can't change it even if you talk till you are blue in the face.
Anyway, mash'allah I felt like I was able to take her conversation(that felt special that she was like so open with me now and could have a whole conversation about it lol) in stride. Before, i think I mighta flipped over and died in horror hahaha and alhamdulillah she also never said more than a few words to me before. But now she also realizes things are different.
Anyway, ALHAMDULILLAH, it didn't bother me. We're still going to dress our daughter like we do. If one day she was wearing a plain shirt with jeans to the naadi, I don't care if the whole world thinks that's not chic enough. That's just plain fine. In Egypt, in "certain" Naadis, people have some kind of tradition of wearing their Eid clothes to the naadi. Sure, by all means. I don't care. But if my kid is wearing something so NORMAL as jeans and a tshirt, I'm not going to allow anyone to make me feel guilty about it haha.
Anyway point being, if you are dead confidant in your own 'way' and are not seeking approval from others, their different opinions about you don't bother you so much. But if you seek approval from them in your heart of hearts (which is what i realized i was doing earlier this year) you get all torn up inside if someone so much as 'looks' at you the wrong way lol.
Normally, people comfortable in their skin and in their opinions aren't so easily hurt. I remember a friend of mine mash'allah whom I met in college. This sister was really amazing. Mash'allah her temperament was so rock solid, may Allah bless her. She was in fact the second oldest(first daughter) of an imam(who I personally feel is a super duper wise brother, mash'allah). You could tell her tarbiya was amazing. She was in fact a niqabi and because of her demeanor, she exuded so much confidence mash'allah and got treated very well.
Many niqabis complain of being treated badly and it does happen, ofcourse! But, there's also an ingroup mentality that develops within 'niqabis' that says 'niqabis vs the other muslimahs' and somehow in your interactions, people pick up on this vibe of 'other/outsider' and it influences the interaction.
That's obvously my own analysis and I've been niqabi myself and most of the time I felt that I was treated very well because internally I always felt like just a Muslim, not a 'niqabi' muslim. I didn't have an internal need to classify myself as such. Not meaning to say im superior somehow, but that I noticed this over the years. Allah knows best.
Anyway, going back to neo #salafism and sensitive personalities...Every issue is not a life/death 'lets fight over this'. Why is it 'ok' to poke fun at others, while you hate that for yourself? Why is it ok to label others while you hate to be disagreed with? I think in argumentation, and especially when you disagree, many people's manners speak louder for them than their words, sometimes so loud that you can't hear their words.
Part of it is that people simply bring their natural personality into 'islam'. It can also depend on who you learned from, whether they taught you that manners in discussing, critical thinking and agreeing to disagree politely are valued in Islam..etc.
May Allah beautify my manners and grant me friends with beautiful manners.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
How I Plan My Life
Years ago, I was such a slave to the whole market that is out there to "help" you
master your time. I wasted my money on bought all kinds of planners to help me "manage"
my time.
I don't think I was able to ever really stick to a schedule/routine strictly because the
motivation simply wasn't there or maybe it was because the consequences of not following through
weren't so bad.
It was only after I had my second child that I realized that if I didn't have a very
set routine, I was going to lose my mind and my house would become a living circus.
This is also the time I moved overseas with my family and had no access to the plethora
of time management products available in the West. So I had to just make do with getting a
cute little notebook and just turning it into a planner for the sake of sanity. I also
needed to write things down because I simply wouldn't remember appointments or my grocery list..
you get the picture.
For almost a year and a half, everytime I would get a new 'notebook planner' I would use
it enthusiastically for a while, and then the whole process would just get really really inefficient.
It would go like this: Each time I needed to organize something in my head by writing it out, make a list, or plan
my day, I'd just flip to the next available set of clean pages in the notebook and write out
the information.
Needless to say, finding something I had written in the notebook earlier in the day wasn't
all that efficient. And then I would just get bored of the notebook itself because it was so
inefficient and think that getting a newer cuter notebook would somehow give me a fresh start
and keep me organized. Yeah right.
I believe NOW after so long, I've finally found a system that works for me. Maybe it won't
work for you. Maybe it will. Either way, I knew I had to share this info in case someone else could benefit.
So basically all I've done is I get a cute notebook. Yeh thats important =)
I'm not sure if everyone is like this but I tend to be attracted to different colors
at different times of my life. So I have to get a color/print that keeps me wanting to come
back. If it's too BRIGHT or too DULL compared to how I'm feeling, it just won't work.
I'm picky like that.
The one I have right now is a lime green one with tabs.
So after you get the notebook, this is what you do:
First of all, you need to be very clear about WHY you need a planner. I use one because I want my mind to be
free of 'stuff' that keeps looping in my brain, so that I can organize and prioritize(very important) tasks
and be able to see the birds eye view of my life, understand exactly how I'm spending my time and therefore have the
power to change it as things change.
Secondly, you need to look at your life and figure out what 'categories' you need. Alternatively, what you can do is empty everything
in your brain onto paper and then see what 'categories' those things naturally fall under(remember 'Getting Things done"?).
My notebook is divided into 6 parts. My categories are (in order):
1)Inbox/Weekly Planning
2)Daily Schedules
3)Monthly Calendars
4)Grocery lists/Related Contacts
5)Money
6)Contacts
You might have also categories like health or whatever else you want to log or keep track of or plan.
Or you might alternatively have a separate notebook for that. In fact, that's what I do. I have a separate
health/food log book that I use, that stays on my night stand.
Ok so back to the categories. I'm going to explain what I put in each one in more detail so you can see how it
comes together.
In the end, I'll explain my reasoning for why I've ordered these categories this way and why it works for me.
1) Inbox/Weekly Planning: If you've read that book 'Getting Things Done' you'll know what I mean by inbox.
If you haven't, what it means is that whenever you need to write down anything to empty your brain, something which
can be 'categorized/scheduled' later, the 'inbox' is where it goes.
Under the same tab, right after the inbox, I've got a "Weekly Master Task List". So anything that is time sensitive
and must be completed within that week goes here. Simple right =)
Last in this tab is the weekly calendar. This is where you can look at the master task list right before and figure out
how to put things under what days and get those things done. It gives you a nice bird's eye view of your week.
You won't be putting everyday things here like 'cooking' or 'giving baby a nap'. This is where the big things go.
Alternatively, the things that go under the weekly schedule are things that don't repeat every week.
For instance, you won't be buying a vacuum cleaner every week so that'll go in your weekly master tast list right before
and then get scheduled into your weekly calendar.
You would also put those things here that if you don't put down, you might have a schedule conflict. For example,
if you have a cleaner come in on mondays, you definitely don't want to tell your mother in law you'll be spending monday
with her.
The weekly view gives you power to plan your week in a way that is more efficient than if you didnt have a plan at all.
2) Daily Schedule: I simply have each page dedicated to one day. On the left(or right) of the page,
I'll have a 'to-do/task list'. On the right(or left) of the page, I'll have the 'day-view' starting from whatever time you really
start to day to when you end it.
I then look at what things are time sensitive and block out times for those things in the daily calendar.
For example, prayer or lunch or my daughter's nap time go in specific times. So these things don't even get listed in my 'to-do' list
obviously. They're simply part of my daily routine.
But if there's things that are only specific to one day, and need to get done anytime that day, they go under the to-do list.
You would also refer to your weekly schedule and make sure you incorporate the info there into your daily so you're on top of things.
Example: It's monday, and you've got a dentist appointment at 9am (listed in your weekly schedule). So you start planning your daily
schedule for monday. You'd block out the time for the dentist appointment(note it) on your daily schedule. You'd write down other time
sensitive things like break for lunch or prayer. You also need to pick up something from the tailor and make a phone call. That would
go into your to-do. If you know exactly what time you want to get these tasks done, you can note them in your daily schedule.
The benefit of going through your day and just essentially doing whatever your daily schedule tells you to do is that your mind can be empty,
you know you haven't missed anything, and you have the confidence of knowing that you've prioritized things in your life, and that you
aren't just doing whatever came up first.
3) Monthly Calendar: In the past, my monthly calendar tab would never be put to it's potentially awesome use. It would be lonely and empty.
Gone are those days.
The first thing I have under this tab is a monthly task list and a goal list for that month. For example, we're in February now.
So I've got a february task list and a February Goal list. Anything I want to accomplish in february needs to go under the February Task List.
The goals list is also really neat. This is where I put 'headings' list "Spiritual/Marital/Parental/Neighbors/Online etc"
Another way to do this is to think of all your 'roles' in life and then simply figure out what goals you'd like to accomplish with that role.
So as a wife, maybe you'd like to go out on a date with your husband. So that goes under your marital role. Maybe your parental goal for that
month is to potty train your daughter. That goes under Parenting.
This is where you step back, and figure out what things you want to accomplish that month and then you have the power to chunk them down into
bite sized peices, plug that into your weekly tab and ultimately have it trickle down to your daily!
Right after the two pages (or more if you like) dedicated to monthly task list and monthly goals, is the monthly calendar.
I use my monthly calendar for big events and mainly to log things. I have two people who come in weekly to offer some services. I log the days
they come in and for how long they are here, and that helps me to know how much to pay them when payday comes. I also use my monthly calendar to
log when I started a certain medicine with my kids and that helps me to know when to stop. I put vacation days here or exam days, etc.
You can use this for all sorts of things. Say you've got a medical condition and you just want to note what days are good and bad. Monthly
calendar is a great place to log that.
4)Grocery Lists: Not much to explain here. This is where I make my grocery lists. It also helps to quickly flip back and see what I got last
week in case I feel like I'm forgetting some things. I often 'order' groceries which is common in Egypt and I need to have the supermarket
numbers in easy reach. This is the tab they go under. I do have 'em in my phones as well but if I'm out and happen to be making the call from
another phone, or whatever, it comes in handy.
I sometimes put my menu plans here as well for the week. Which is actually a way more efficient way to plan your grocery list anyway.
5)Money: I get a 'salary' and I basically divide it up into different categories that I deal with in our house.
So I just use this 'tab' to do whatever planning I need to do on paper to keep things working
smoothly.
I also put 'a monthly shopping' list in this tab and organize it however. I organize it by putting all the names of the individuals in our household
and their shopping needs under their names.
That way If i'm going to 'shop xyz', I can quickly look at my monthly shopping list, and figure out what I can get at this xyz place.
Alternatively, you can put your monthly shopping list under your monthly tab. Whichever suits you better.
6)Contacts: All my contact #'s are in my phones but there's addresses I need to note. Those go here. In the past, this was the main reason
for getting a palm. But as a stay at home mom with a busy life, I came back to using paper.
Sometimes I also have a 2-page weekly routine skeleton to refer to when my schedule is pretty set in stone.
Why I've Ordered these Categories like this:
In the past, I'd have the monthly first, I'd have the weekly right after, and I'd have the daily calendar after that. And I realized as I continued
to use the planner, that I needed to refer to the weekly and monthly a lot more and it was a lot easier to flip to those sections if they were
right in the beginning. So I switched around the order to one that is very practical for me.
I've been using this sytem for several months now and although I tweak it as I go along, what I noted here is the big stuff that stays the same.
It gives me a great bird's eye view to plan my life according to my highest priorities. And it keeps my brain empty!
If you use a system that works for you, I'd love to hear about it.
master your time. I wasted my money on bought all kinds of planners to help me "manage"
my time.
I don't think I was able to ever really stick to a schedule/routine strictly because the
motivation simply wasn't there or maybe it was because the consequences of not following through
weren't so bad.
It was only after I had my second child that I realized that if I didn't have a very
set routine, I was going to lose my mind and my house would become a living circus.
This is also the time I moved overseas with my family and had no access to the plethora
of time management products available in the West. So I had to just make do with getting a
cute little notebook and just turning it into a planner for the sake of sanity. I also
needed to write things down because I simply wouldn't remember appointments or my grocery list..
you get the picture.
For almost a year and a half, everytime I would get a new 'notebook planner' I would use
it enthusiastically for a while, and then the whole process would just get really really inefficient.
It would go like this: Each time I needed to organize something in my head by writing it out, make a list, or plan
my day, I'd just flip to the next available set of clean pages in the notebook and write out
the information.
Needless to say, finding something I had written in the notebook earlier in the day wasn't
all that efficient. And then I would just get bored of the notebook itself because it was so
inefficient and think that getting a newer cuter notebook would somehow give me a fresh start
and keep me organized. Yeah right.
I believe NOW after so long, I've finally found a system that works for me. Maybe it won't
work for you. Maybe it will. Either way, I knew I had to share this info in case someone else could benefit.
So basically all I've done is I get a cute notebook. Yeh thats important =)
I'm not sure if everyone is like this but I tend to be attracted to different colors
at different times of my life. So I have to get a color/print that keeps me wanting to come
back. If it's too BRIGHT or too DULL compared to how I'm feeling, it just won't work.
I'm picky like that.
The one I have right now is a lime green one with tabs.
So after you get the notebook, this is what you do:
First of all, you need to be very clear about WHY you need a planner. I use one because I want my mind to be
free of 'stuff' that keeps looping in my brain, so that I can organize and prioritize(very important) tasks
and be able to see the birds eye view of my life, understand exactly how I'm spending my time and therefore have the
power to change it as things change.
Secondly, you need to look at your life and figure out what 'categories' you need. Alternatively, what you can do is empty everything
in your brain onto paper and then see what 'categories' those things naturally fall under(remember 'Getting Things done"?).
My notebook is divided into 6 parts. My categories are (in order):
1)Inbox/Weekly Planning
2)Daily Schedules
3)Monthly Calendars
4)Grocery lists/Related Contacts
5)Money
6)Contacts
You might have also categories like health or whatever else you want to log or keep track of or plan.
Or you might alternatively have a separate notebook for that. In fact, that's what I do. I have a separate
health/food log book that I use, that stays on my night stand.
Ok so back to the categories. I'm going to explain what I put in each one in more detail so you can see how it
comes together.
In the end, I'll explain my reasoning for why I've ordered these categories this way and why it works for me.
1) Inbox/Weekly Planning: If you've read that book 'Getting Things Done' you'll know what I mean by inbox.
If you haven't, what it means is that whenever you need to write down anything to empty your brain, something which
can be 'categorized/scheduled' later, the 'inbox' is where it goes.
Under the same tab, right after the inbox, I've got a "Weekly Master Task List". So anything that is time sensitive
and must be completed within that week goes here. Simple right =)
Last in this tab is the weekly calendar. This is where you can look at the master task list right before and figure out
how to put things under what days and get those things done. It gives you a nice bird's eye view of your week.
You won't be putting everyday things here like 'cooking' or 'giving baby a nap'. This is where the big things go.
Alternatively, the things that go under the weekly schedule are things that don't repeat every week.
For instance, you won't be buying a vacuum cleaner every week so that'll go in your weekly master tast list right before
and then get scheduled into your weekly calendar.
You would also put those things here that if you don't put down, you might have a schedule conflict. For example,
if you have a cleaner come in on mondays, you definitely don't want to tell your mother in law you'll be spending monday
with her.
The weekly view gives you power to plan your week in a way that is more efficient than if you didnt have a plan at all.
2) Daily Schedule: I simply have each page dedicated to one day. On the left(or right) of the page,
I'll have a 'to-do/task list'. On the right(or left) of the page, I'll have the 'day-view' starting from whatever time you really
start to day to when you end it.
I then look at what things are time sensitive and block out times for those things in the daily calendar.
For example, prayer or lunch or my daughter's nap time go in specific times. So these things don't even get listed in my 'to-do' list
obviously. They're simply part of my daily routine.
But if there's things that are only specific to one day, and need to get done anytime that day, they go under the to-do list.
You would also refer to your weekly schedule and make sure you incorporate the info there into your daily so you're on top of things.
Example: It's monday, and you've got a dentist appointment at 9am (listed in your weekly schedule). So you start planning your daily
schedule for monday. You'd block out the time for the dentist appointment(note it) on your daily schedule. You'd write down other time
sensitive things like break for lunch or prayer. You also need to pick up something from the tailor and make a phone call. That would
go into your to-do. If you know exactly what time you want to get these tasks done, you can note them in your daily schedule.
The benefit of going through your day and just essentially doing whatever your daily schedule tells you to do is that your mind can be empty,
you know you haven't missed anything, and you have the confidence of knowing that you've prioritized things in your life, and that you
aren't just doing whatever came up first.
3) Monthly Calendar: In the past, my monthly calendar tab would never be put to it's potentially awesome use. It would be lonely and empty.
Gone are those days.
The first thing I have under this tab is a monthly task list and a goal list for that month. For example, we're in February now.
So I've got a february task list and a February Goal list. Anything I want to accomplish in february needs to go under the February Task List.
The goals list is also really neat. This is where I put 'headings' list "Spiritual/Marital/Parental/Neighbors/Online etc"
Another way to do this is to think of all your 'roles' in life and then simply figure out what goals you'd like to accomplish with that role.
So as a wife, maybe you'd like to go out on a date with your husband. So that goes under your marital role. Maybe your parental goal for that
month is to potty train your daughter. That goes under Parenting.
This is where you step back, and figure out what things you want to accomplish that month and then you have the power to chunk them down into
bite sized peices, plug that into your weekly tab and ultimately have it trickle down to your daily!
Right after the two pages (or more if you like) dedicated to monthly task list and monthly goals, is the monthly calendar.
I use my monthly calendar for big events and mainly to log things. I have two people who come in weekly to offer some services. I log the days
they come in and for how long they are here, and that helps me to know how much to pay them when payday comes. I also use my monthly calendar to
log when I started a certain medicine with my kids and that helps me to know when to stop. I put vacation days here or exam days, etc.
You can use this for all sorts of things. Say you've got a medical condition and you just want to note what days are good and bad. Monthly
calendar is a great place to log that.
4)Grocery Lists: Not much to explain here. This is where I make my grocery lists. It also helps to quickly flip back and see what I got last
week in case I feel like I'm forgetting some things. I often 'order' groceries which is common in Egypt and I need to have the supermarket
numbers in easy reach. This is the tab they go under. I do have 'em in my phones as well but if I'm out and happen to be making the call from
another phone, or whatever, it comes in handy.
I sometimes put my menu plans here as well for the week. Which is actually a way more efficient way to plan your grocery list anyway.
5)Money: I get a 'salary' and I basically divide it up into different categories that I deal with in our house.
So I just use this 'tab' to do whatever planning I need to do on paper to keep things working
smoothly.
I also put 'a monthly shopping' list in this tab and organize it however. I organize it by putting all the names of the individuals in our household
and their shopping needs under their names.
That way If i'm going to 'shop xyz', I can quickly look at my monthly shopping list, and figure out what I can get at this xyz place.
Alternatively, you can put your monthly shopping list under your monthly tab. Whichever suits you better.
6)Contacts: All my contact #'s are in my phones but there's addresses I need to note. Those go here. In the past, this was the main reason
for getting a palm. But as a stay at home mom with a busy life, I came back to using paper.
Sometimes I also have a 2-page weekly routine skeleton to refer to when my schedule is pretty set in stone.
Why I've Ordered these Categories like this:
In the past, I'd have the monthly first, I'd have the weekly right after, and I'd have the daily calendar after that. And I realized as I continued
to use the planner, that I needed to refer to the weekly and monthly a lot more and it was a lot easier to flip to those sections if they were
right in the beginning. So I switched around the order to one that is very practical for me.
I've been using this sytem for several months now and although I tweak it as I go along, what I noted here is the big stuff that stays the same.
It gives me a great bird's eye view to plan my life according to my highest priorities. And it keeps my brain empty!
If you use a system that works for you, I'd love to hear about it.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
No More Ms. Nice
There's times right before that time of the month when I really don't feel well. Like..Today.
I felt so irked and still do over something that isn't that big of a deal but TODAY it most definitely is getting under the skin.
I have several people in my life who have this habit of calling me and expecting me to pick up the phone every single time they call. And if i'm busy, and don't pick up the phone, in THAT case, I simply have to have a detailed 4 minute discussion about how they called me and when they called me, and what they called me for and THEN OF COURSE they expect me to let them know my reasons for why i didn't pick up the phone ...EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Allah teaches us in the Quran that if you knock on someone's door and they don't answer after the 3rd time, RETURN.
Unfortunately these people have never heard of this. But oh wait, I think they have.
From me, in different words ofcourse. I've HINTED quite clearly that if i'm with my kids or in the bathroom, or SLEEPING for goodness sake, or busy I will NOT answer the phone. However, I will return their call insh'allah.
BUT WHO SAID THATS GOOD ENOUGH. Why should they listen to what I have to say?
They should continue w/ their thick headedness and almost demand to know why I didn't
pick up the phone every single time. It's like 'oh so whats your alibi this time?'
Oh how I love the sweet souls who call me , and THEN i call them back and miraculously we don't discuss how they called me and i didn't answer and on and on and on.
Someone THIS morning called me EIGHT TIMES. Can u believe it? They could have sent me a text message. They could have waited to have me return their call. But no! That wouldn't have been annoying enough! =)
And you know what it was about? About how they couldn't do such and such today for me like 6 hours later in the day. Uh yeh..the earth woulda had a big convulsion if you'd waited to get that off your chest.
And on top of that, 'i called you and it was busy last night and then ive been calling and calling you'. Um yeh, I was asleep and as for last night, I have no idea what time you called cuz i never heard it. Must we have this mind numbing exchange once AGAIN?
Who cares that i called this person like twice in one day and their line was busy. B-I-G D-E-A-L. I wasn't flipping out about it.
Most of these people dying to get through to me (understandably since im soo incredibly important to the smooth functioning of their lives.....NOT) always cite something about 'but what if its an emergency'?
Um guess what, given my circumstances, if you really do have an emergency on your hands, for Lord's sake, hang up that phone and call someone like the police, the fire department, your driver, your husband, your wife, etc...you get the idea.
Will these people change? I doubt it. Perhaps I'll just decide to be blunt next time. No more Ms Nice.
I actually returned someone's call today and i think I half took it out on her. I told her something along the lines of 'look there's lots of phone calls I need to return sometimes so if you don't get through to me, just text me'. I'm almost sure she didn't take it well.
I felt so irked and still do over something that isn't that big of a deal but TODAY it most definitely is getting under the skin.
I have several people in my life who have this habit of calling me and expecting me to pick up the phone every single time they call. And if i'm busy, and don't pick up the phone, in THAT case, I simply have to have a detailed 4 minute discussion about how they called me and when they called me, and what they called me for and THEN OF COURSE they expect me to let them know my reasons for why i didn't pick up the phone ...EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Allah teaches us in the Quran that if you knock on someone's door and they don't answer after the 3rd time, RETURN.
Unfortunately these people have never heard of this. But oh wait, I think they have.
From me, in different words ofcourse. I've HINTED quite clearly that if i'm with my kids or in the bathroom, or SLEEPING for goodness sake, or busy I will NOT answer the phone. However, I will return their call insh'allah.
BUT WHO SAID THATS GOOD ENOUGH. Why should they listen to what I have to say?
They should continue w/ their thick headedness and almost demand to know why I didn't
pick up the phone every single time. It's like 'oh so whats your alibi this time?'
Oh how I love the sweet souls who call me , and THEN i call them back and miraculously we don't discuss how they called me and i didn't answer and on and on and on.
Someone THIS morning called me EIGHT TIMES. Can u believe it? They could have sent me a text message. They could have waited to have me return their call. But no! That wouldn't have been annoying enough! =)
And you know what it was about? About how they couldn't do such and such today for me like 6 hours later in the day. Uh yeh..the earth woulda had a big convulsion if you'd waited to get that off your chest.
And on top of that, 'i called you and it was busy last night and then ive been calling and calling you'. Um yeh, I was asleep and as for last night, I have no idea what time you called cuz i never heard it. Must we have this mind numbing exchange once AGAIN?
Who cares that i called this person like twice in one day and their line was busy. B-I-G D-E-A-L. I wasn't flipping out about it.
Most of these people dying to get through to me (understandably since im soo incredibly important to the smooth functioning of their lives.....NOT) always cite something about 'but what if its an emergency'?
Um guess what, given my circumstances, if you really do have an emergency on your hands, for Lord's sake, hang up that phone and call someone like the police, the fire department, your driver, your husband, your wife, etc...you get the idea.
Will these people change? I doubt it. Perhaps I'll just decide to be blunt next time. No more Ms Nice.
I actually returned someone's call today and i think I half took it out on her. I told her something along the lines of 'look there's lots of phone calls I need to return sometimes so if you don't get through to me, just text me'. I'm almost sure she didn't take it well.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thankful and Feeling Peaceful Alhamdulillah!
I am so thankful for this much needed break that I got alhamdulillah. I am looking back to returning home. I am enjoying so thoroughly watching my parents dote on my kids. Subhanallah, the relationship between grandparents and grandkids is a really precious relationship.
Both my kids have gone to take a walk with my parents. While I get some time on the computer. Does it get any better than that?
My mom was sick and Budi was like her little helper, bringing her water, bringing her the prayer rug. Both of them were talking about how they are going to miss eachother. Isn't that sooo sweet?
I also have things I hope to better myself in once I return:
-smile more! It's so simple and so important. I'm naturally a bit on the shy side and sometimes its hard for me to smile from ear to ear but I am going to try my best to put that behind me and just SMILE.
-be a better example for my kids.
-be more patient with kids
Also, on another note, when you go live in another country, you go through all these stages in terms of your acceptance and comfort level living in the new country and I think this trip to Pakistan flushed out a lot of feelings that were dormant within me about my own culture so I can embrace more comfortably the place where I live and appreciate the positives more than I did before alhamdulillah. I feel like a weight was lifted off of me somehow alhamdulillah.
I noticed someone complaining about Egypt on a site I go to, and I just feel like I have no patience for that right now. I can understand that for different people the same place can feel so different, BUT at the same time I want to surround myself with people who are positive about where they live and are able to focus on more positive things in their life.
Aside from people, the main thing that I'm hoping to focus on once I return to Egypt is learning Arabic full force and finishing it within the next two years. It's something that I absolutely have to do at this point because my son will be in first grade and I'm looking forward to it!
I'm also looking forward to a peaceful, and spiritual Ramadan with my husband and kids.
Both my kids have gone to take a walk with my parents. While I get some time on the computer. Does it get any better than that?
My mom was sick and Budi was like her little helper, bringing her water, bringing her the prayer rug. Both of them were talking about how they are going to miss eachother. Isn't that sooo sweet?
I also have things I hope to better myself in once I return:
-smile more! It's so simple and so important. I'm naturally a bit on the shy side and sometimes its hard for me to smile from ear to ear but I am going to try my best to put that behind me and just SMILE.
-be a better example for my kids.
-be more patient with kids
Also, on another note, when you go live in another country, you go through all these stages in terms of your acceptance and comfort level living in the new country and I think this trip to Pakistan flushed out a lot of feelings that were dormant within me about my own culture so I can embrace more comfortably the place where I live and appreciate the positives more than I did before alhamdulillah. I feel like a weight was lifted off of me somehow alhamdulillah.
I noticed someone complaining about Egypt on a site I go to, and I just feel like I have no patience for that right now. I can understand that for different people the same place can feel so different, BUT at the same time I want to surround myself with people who are positive about where they live and are able to focus on more positive things in their life.
Aside from people, the main thing that I'm hoping to focus on once I return to Egypt is learning Arabic full force and finishing it within the next two years. It's something that I absolutely have to do at this point because my son will be in first grade and I'm looking forward to it!
I'm also looking forward to a peaceful, and spiritual Ramadan with my husband and kids.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Long philsophical post about my time in Pakistan
I have thoughts and realizations hitting me almost every hour that I'm spending in Pakistan. The impressions of so many concepts that I grew up with and carried on with me all the way through my twenties are now being shattered in front of me and I like it. I feel like I had such rigid concepts of certain things and now I see the nuances .. it almost seems like i was either sleeping last time I was here(3 years ago for just 3 weeks) or too naive and inexperienced to see the broad picture of things. Or immature.
Allahu'alim but I feel like it is making me grow.
I feel a pain somewhere inside me for some things which are so painfully clear once you stay away from Pakistan for a long time.
The honor and rights of women in general are fairly non existant. I actually interviewed the cleaning lady who works in my grandmother's house and some things she said were mildly shocking.
She has no goals in life. These are her own words.
Let that sink in. She has NO GOALS in life.
She is resigned to the fact that she must marry who her parents accept for her. Only boys get to pick. Girls don't.
Girls are physically beaten by their fathers, brothers, husbands, inlaws.
This(the physical beatings) may not be the case for the lower middle class or the middle class or upper middle class but the concepts about women, how they are viewed, their status, their value is not much different.
Sons are idiolized. In some clinics where they do ultra sounds for pregnant women, they refuse to tell the couple about the gender of the baby for fear that if its a girl, the family may make a scene at the clinic or demand an abortion.
This is not a story i'm narrating from some obscure village. This happens in the main city of Karachi, in one of the richest suburbs, and narrated to me by own sister.
Women on average are expected to live with their own inlaws. That is the norm. NORM. Not the exception. That is the NORM.
Pakistan in general is so down trodden, that most educated upper class people you meet almost always have their children living abroad after they finish their education abroad as well. And I'm not surprised.
I love Pakistan but in truth it's hard to love. I wish the people were not as jahil as they are about so many things. The masses are so jahil, superstitious, lack medical/health knowledge, and operate on alot of myths.
I wish i wish i wish.
I came to Pakistan as i wrote in my earliest post in search of familiarity after living in Egypt for two years. And I revelled in it for a week or so and then it neutralized and now I see the Pakistan that I wish it were not.
I won't be missing Pakistan once I return to Egypt. I'l be thankful I didn't marry a Pakistani. I'll be thankful I don't have Pakistani inlaws. I'll be thankful I live in a safe country. I'll be thankful for the izzah I enjoy in Egypt as a woman.
But I will miss familiarity. Even though....sometimes I have moments where I feel like I'm viewing the same experiences that I've experienced visiting or living in pakistan before through foreign eyes. So you realize that you change even when you think you're the same.
I thought I was so pakistani but when i come here, I feel like I'm looking in from the outside.
The interesting thing is that you don't get along with the secular educated people because they're not religous and you don't normally click and get close with people who have a different way of life. And you don't click with people who are religious but view alot of social values through the prism of their culture which is very narrow when it comes to women.
So that's life. Sometimes my sister and I feel like it would be nice to just be a typical(add nationality here) and not always have to be 'different'. You'd just fit in. You'd be the average joe happy with the values of your society.
Alhamdulillah that Allah showed us a different way. A Better way...the islamic way of life. And with that lifestyle you are always going to be a stranger.
Allahu'alim but I feel like it is making me grow.
I feel a pain somewhere inside me for some things which are so painfully clear once you stay away from Pakistan for a long time.
The honor and rights of women in general are fairly non existant. I actually interviewed the cleaning lady who works in my grandmother's house and some things she said were mildly shocking.
She has no goals in life. These are her own words.
Let that sink in. She has NO GOALS in life.
She is resigned to the fact that she must marry who her parents accept for her. Only boys get to pick. Girls don't.
Girls are physically beaten by their fathers, brothers, husbands, inlaws.
This(the physical beatings) may not be the case for the lower middle class or the middle class or upper middle class but the concepts about women, how they are viewed, their status, their value is not much different.
Sons are idiolized. In some clinics where they do ultra sounds for pregnant women, they refuse to tell the couple about the gender of the baby for fear that if its a girl, the family may make a scene at the clinic or demand an abortion.
This is not a story i'm narrating from some obscure village. This happens in the main city of Karachi, in one of the richest suburbs, and narrated to me by own sister.
Women on average are expected to live with their own inlaws. That is the norm. NORM. Not the exception. That is the NORM.
Pakistan in general is so down trodden, that most educated upper class people you meet almost always have their children living abroad after they finish their education abroad as well. And I'm not surprised.
I love Pakistan but in truth it's hard to love. I wish the people were not as jahil as they are about so many things. The masses are so jahil, superstitious, lack medical/health knowledge, and operate on alot of myths.
I wish i wish i wish.
I came to Pakistan as i wrote in my earliest post in search of familiarity after living in Egypt for two years. And I revelled in it for a week or so and then it neutralized and now I see the Pakistan that I wish it were not.
I won't be missing Pakistan once I return to Egypt. I'l be thankful I didn't marry a Pakistani. I'll be thankful I don't have Pakistani inlaws. I'll be thankful I live in a safe country. I'll be thankful for the izzah I enjoy in Egypt as a woman.
But I will miss familiarity. Even though....sometimes I have moments where I feel like I'm viewing the same experiences that I've experienced visiting or living in pakistan before through foreign eyes. So you realize that you change even when you think you're the same.
I thought I was so pakistani but when i come here, I feel like I'm looking in from the outside.
The interesting thing is that you don't get along with the secular educated people because they're not religous and you don't normally click and get close with people who have a different way of life. And you don't click with people who are religious but view alot of social values through the prism of their culture which is very narrow when it comes to women.
So that's life. Sometimes my sister and I feel like it would be nice to just be a typical(add nationality here) and not always have to be 'different'. You'd just fit in. You'd be the average joe happy with the values of your society.
Alhamdulillah that Allah showed us a different way. A Better way...the islamic way of life. And with that lifestyle you are always going to be a stranger.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Totally Pointless Post
So my last post is making me cringe. It's so hate filled. yuck.
So I'm in a more normal state of mind right now. Just made some yummy grilled cheese sandwich.
You know how sometimes you have nothing in particular on your mind. You are at peace. And yur just twidling your thumbs. Yeh that's me right now.
So what is this post about? I have no idea. But I do know that since this is my blog, I have every right to write pointless posts :-) Freedom at last...
So on a more serious note, I came across this: http://nichehero.blogspot.com/ and it's really neat. So check it out.
So I'm in a more normal state of mind right now. Just made some yummy grilled cheese sandwich.
You know how sometimes you have nothing in particular on your mind. You are at peace. And yur just twidling your thumbs. Yeh that's me right now.
So what is this post about? I have no idea. But I do know that since this is my blog, I have every right to write pointless posts :-) Freedom at last...
So on a more serious note, I came across this: http://nichehero.blogspot.com/ and it's really neat. So check it out.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Why I hate Pakistani culture as a whole
There is much good in Pakistani culture indeed. (that is obviously not what this post is going to be about .. sad I know).
But God I hate Pakistani culture with such a passion and i can't stand it to such a degree that I had to marry out of my culture and have never regreted it alhamdulillah. Ok disclaimer(i hate disclaimers by the way). I used to love desi music and would still listen to it if I thought of music as halal but thats another story for another time..)
I actually met a Pakistani girl one time at a gathering who grew up in a Western country, became practicing, went through a rebellious phase in her life and married out of the culture. And even though the culture she married into wasn't completely different, she actually told me she wished she had married a Pakistani. I was a bit surprised that someone would casually comment about something like that but at the same time I kind of admired her guts to be able to be so honest. I also felt really bad for her. I also felt that I can never feel the same way.
In Pakistani culture, no matter how 'modern' or 'liberal' a family you marry into, there's certain constraints that only seem to apply to women.
In so many families, it is weird that a husband and wife would sit next to eachother on the couch. Excuse me?
In so many families, when you go to a gathering where your mother in law is present, you're supposed to be stuck to her hip.
There is a unsaid concept in countless families that if a girl visits her own parents after marriage and gets to see them often that somehow this is a favor bestowed on her by her inlaws and husband. This is not something that only exists in Pakistan sadly but something that desis raise their sons on even in the US.
In countless families, it isn't the husband who is the head of the household but the husband's mother.
Girls must wear what their inlaws want them to wear? Vat? Sure who can stop mother in laws or older women who have strong opinion from expressing their views. No problem. I'm sure when i'm 60 I will have very firm opinions on many things, BUT the weirdness in this case is that the inlaws having an opinion on their daughter in law's clothes is actualy something that is followed.
and on and on and on.
and ofcourse how could i forget. If your inlaws get sick, you are obligated by the religion that is Pakistani culture to serve them hand and foot, while their own daughter has zero obligations.
What makes me sick is that while people could certainly live close to eachother in a much healthier way, doing the whole joint family thing the way the majority of the culture practices is something that so many people hate but at the same time they promote it as well.
I much rather prefer the way some other cultures do it..they live RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER..but have their own apartments/houses etc. People need their space. I guess everyone's definition is different. For some people(and its strange to me obviously and quite normal to many of them) all they need is a bedroom and bathroom.
Anyway if you are an arab sister thinking of marrying a desi, (desis can be great, sure, good people everywhere, but culture does affect most people), think twice and talk to as many desis as possible to understand the culture.
But God I hate Pakistani culture with such a passion and i can't stand it to such a degree that I had to marry out of my culture and have never regreted it alhamdulillah. Ok disclaimer(i hate disclaimers by the way). I used to love desi music and would still listen to it if I thought of music as halal but thats another story for another time..)
I actually met a Pakistani girl one time at a gathering who grew up in a Western country, became practicing, went through a rebellious phase in her life and married out of the culture. And even though the culture she married into wasn't completely different, she actually told me she wished she had married a Pakistani. I was a bit surprised that someone would casually comment about something like that but at the same time I kind of admired her guts to be able to be so honest. I also felt really bad for her. I also felt that I can never feel the same way.
In Pakistani culture, no matter how 'modern' or 'liberal' a family you marry into, there's certain constraints that only seem to apply to women.
In so many families, it is weird that a husband and wife would sit next to eachother on the couch. Excuse me?
In so many families, when you go to a gathering where your mother in law is present, you're supposed to be stuck to her hip.
There is a unsaid concept in countless families that if a girl visits her own parents after marriage and gets to see them often that somehow this is a favor bestowed on her by her inlaws and husband. This is not something that only exists in Pakistan sadly but something that desis raise their sons on even in the US.
In countless families, it isn't the husband who is the head of the household but the husband's mother.
Girls must wear what their inlaws want them to wear? Vat? Sure who can stop mother in laws or older women who have strong opinion from expressing their views. No problem. I'm sure when i'm 60 I will have very firm opinions on many things, BUT the weirdness in this case is that the inlaws having an opinion on their daughter in law's clothes is actualy something that is followed.
and on and on and on.
and ofcourse how could i forget. If your inlaws get sick, you are obligated by the religion that is Pakistani culture to serve them hand and foot, while their own daughter has zero obligations.
What makes me sick is that while people could certainly live close to eachother in a much healthier way, doing the whole joint family thing the way the majority of the culture practices is something that so many people hate but at the same time they promote it as well.
I much rather prefer the way some other cultures do it..they live RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER..but have their own apartments/houses etc. People need their space. I guess everyone's definition is different. For some people(and its strange to me obviously and quite normal to many of them) all they need is a bedroom and bathroom.
Anyway if you are an arab sister thinking of marrying a desi, (desis can be great, sure, good people everywhere, but culture does affect most people), think twice and talk to as many desis as possible to understand the culture.
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